Standing in the Flames
by AlmayCorazon
Summary: Things change everyday, wounds heal but scars stay the same. Quinn has been trying to get through the grief for six long months, all without setting foot near her old life, old friends...thinking that she wasn't strong enough to move past the painful reminders.
1. Beautiful Pain

_**A/N: Hey readers, it's been awhile and I got bored. I've been hopping around FF and reading a ton but then I missed the feel of the keys. Heard a song and thought...why the heck not!**_

* * *

**Beautiful Pain (****Eminem ft. Sia)**_**  
**_

* * *

_"Wounds heal but scars still remain. I miss you."_ I leaned on my cane and threw my satchel over my shoulder.

It had been six months since Finn passed away, I tried not to look back but sometimes when you least expect it, someone will come into your life and remind you of what you've left behind.

_"Ready, Q?"_ I turned towards the tall lanky guy sitting on the edge of my bed and nodded.

_"Promise me that you won't leave me today?"_ I asked him as his brown eyes shined and he brushed a pale hand through his brown hair.

_"I'll never leave you."_ He said as he stood up and offered me his muscular arm.

_"Even if a singing diva comes to swoop you up?"_

_"Not even then."_ He smirked and I felt like I was going to break right then.

If San could see me now, on the arm of my newest boyfriend of six months, she would roll her eyes and tell me that I was delusional.

We walked to his big SUV and he helped me up into it before closing my door and running around the front. I felt a roll in my gut as I stared at him and compared him to the first guy I tried to love.

Their features were the same and even some of the things they say are similar but there was a glaring list of differences.

Kyle was a millionaire, genius playboy who only dated supermodels before me. He wasn't big on show tunes and when he first saw a picture of Rachel he just shrugged and called her average.

He was every bit the gentleman that he had been bred to be and I was convinced that he came from the Kennedy's with the look of good boy/bad boy charm that oozed from him.

Kyle was definitely not my type but he was helping me through a mourning process that he didn't understand.

Every instance that I sunk into a depression, he patiently listened as I told him about all the kids that I looked to as my family back in Lima.

He knew their faces, their names and all of their dreams better than he knew about what I felt.

I kept thinking he would break up with me, that he would go off with one of the blue blooded girls walking around campus but for some reason, he had picked me.

It didn't really make sense but I wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. He reminded me of what I had lost and filled that void better than I could have ever imagined.

For me that was enough or so I thought.

* * *

I swallowed back two green pills and then rested on my stomach as the fire from my scar cut into my skin, reminding me of the day that I nearly cracked my spine in half. It should have been Rachel and Finn's wedding day and I had ruined it.

How different would life be if they had gotten married?

Would he have died?

Would I be feeling this pain deep in my heart?

There was no way to know.

I felt like the walking dead, except I had a bit of a permanent limp that I fought like hell to disguise.

My therapist bent my aching legs and then pressed his hands against the fire in my back.

_"You might want to consider another surgery." _

_"I wasn't aware that you got your medical degree, Ty."_ I snapped, terrified of the idea of yet another surgery. Four had been enough!

_"You have bruising around your spine. At least follow up with your doctor."_

_"He's in Lima." _

_"There are a million doctors that specialize in this kind of thing between here and there."_ He said with a bit more bite than he usually would.

_"Fine...any suggestions?"_

_"Plenty, I'll have them for you at the end of our session."_

* * *

I wanted to put my pain and my past behind me but it seemed like that was impossible with this rod in my back.

Almost a year had passed since my accident and I thought I would be better by now.

I was in tears when I met Kyle in the lobby.

His face dropped as he opened his arms for me.

_"What's wrong, baby Q?" _

_"I'm just so over this. I have to go see another doctor for my back."_

_"About the bruises?"_

_"Yea."_

_"Maybe I can help? You know my uncle works at Beth Israel with the Spine Institute."_

_"And you're just now telling me this?"_ I snapped and where Finn would have blanched, Kyle just shrugged and pulled out his phone.

_"I know how much you don't want to be in New York and so I didn't mention it but I'll call him and get you an appointment today if you want."_

_"Today?"_

_"Uncle Kyle loves me...I'm named after him and so he can never turn me down."_

_"Okay, thank you!" _

* * *

I hadn't really been in contact with anyone in a really long time but I felt like this was a sign.

We headed straight to New York, apparently Kyle's uncle was in Dallas for the last few days and was on his way back. Even with all the travel, he promised that he would clear his afternoon for me.

That of course meant that I needed to occupy my time while I waited. Kyle was going to visit family in the Hamptons, which did not seem appealing with the way that I was leaning heavily on my cane.

_"How about I take you to see a show or we can do lunch. Maybe call your friends, go see them while I see my family?" _He compromised.

And so I didn't argue when we got to Broadway and he found parking as close as possible to the theater.

My back was feeling a bit better but after the ride, then sitting in the theater, I was sure that wouldn't last long.

* * *

I needed more pills, my back hurt so bad that sitting seemed almost impossible.

_"Let's grab lunch, look a singing diner."_ He said with his smirk. Despite all his protest about show tunes, he nodded his head and hummed to the songs during the entire show.

Maybe he was more like Finn than I gave him credit for, if so, God help me.

I was resting my head against Kyle's back, while we waited to be seated, they had just finished a musical number and so it took a moment but with his hand wrapped back around me, holding me up and then standing wasn't so bad.

_"Welcome to the Starlight Diner, I'm Santana and I'll be taking care of you today."_ The voice struck me and I felt Kyle's body go rigid. He knew who Santana was just as well as I did. In fact, he even knew that she was the last person that I had sex with before him.

_"You're right, she is hot."_ He said out loud and I pulled away from him, he had said that way too loud and in front of the wrong person.

_"What did you just say, asshole?" _I knew it was only a matter of seconds before she managed to lose her job and so even though it hurt like hell, I moved in front of Kyle and pushed him back. _"Q?"_

_"Hey, San."_

___ "This idiot belongs to you?"_

___"His name is Kyle."_

I watched her look at him again and then back at me, recognition popped up in her eyes and then she looked at me sadly.

Was that pity?

_"Maybe you should go before Rachel gets here, Q." _

_"What? Why?"_

_"She'll take one look at this guy who looks too much like Finn and months of getting her to a good place without crying will all be shot to hell."_

The bell on the door chimed behind us and I turned to see the person in question. I had barely gotten her name out before she wrapped me up in her arms and began to cry.

I held her tight and looked up at Kyle who shrugged and smirked again.

God, maybe Santana was right.

* * *

**_A/N: It's not much...shit, I'm not sure if it's anything at all but maybe... You'll let me know right?_**


	2. Believe

_**A/N: So you like it huh? Should I keep going? In the mean time, my newest protege has a story going (Love is not a Choice)...check it out. I think she shows promise, I am flattered by her imitation. Shameless plug, I swear she isn't paying me.**_

_**I see my loyals are reading so let's do this!**_

_**This song, I swear if you've never heard it...please do, I can hear Quinn singing this and it breaks my heart, in such a beautiful way.**_

_**-A**_

* * *

**Believe (The All-American Rejects)**

* * *

Once Rachel had released me from her tight hold she looked over at Santana and then behind me at Kyle. I watched a million emotions cover her face before she looked back at me with her show smile. Tears still in her eyes.

_"Who's this handsome fellow?"_ She asked and I looked back at Kyle who was smirking and blushing. Oh God, Kyle tone down the Finn Hudson look. I groaned and then laid a hand on his chest.

_"Rachel, this is my boyfriend Kyle Elder, he was kind enough to escort me to the city so that I could take care of a few personal matters."_

Her eyebrows raised and then she looked towards Santana, although I'm pretty sure that it was only for a few seconds, it felt like an eternity.

_"Well then, Santana, I'm here to relieve you for the day, so I'll seat them while you clock out. Okay?"_

_"Right...I uh...yeah. I'll see you later, Q. Nice meeting you Kyle."_ She muttered before walking away with her eyes wide and her apron clenched in her hands.

* * *

We followed Rachel to the back of the restaurant, where we had a great view of the kitchen.

Kyle looked around at all the empty seats in the nicer areas of the restaurant and then at Rachel.

_"Are you sitting us at this cramped, shitty table on purpose?"_

I touched his arm and shook my head but Kyle's sense of entitlement has always shone through at times like this.

Rachel just stood there, looking pale and nervous but it wasn't like her to back down. She looked at Kyle and then down at her notepad for a moment before lifting her head with her show smile back on.

_"My apologies, I just-"_ She glanced at me for help but I just sat there speechless as Kyle cut her off.

_"No. No excuses. You can't treat her like crap just because you're old acquaintances, we are still paying customers. Where's your manager?"_

Rachel's lip was trapped between her teeth and then she burst into tears and ran towards the kitchen.

I pulled back my arm and slapped Kyle's stomach.

_"What the hell is the matter with you?"_

He looked at me in shock and shrugged like it was no big deal.

_"Me? I did nothing wrong! She works in New York where the paying customer is always right. She just needs a tougher skin." _He smirked and waved off my anger.

_"You didn't even give her a chance to explain!"_ I said as I struggled to my feet.

He still sat there and watched me as I grasped for my cane and just as I wrapped my fingers around it, the kitchen doors swung open.

_"Okay, pendejo, it's time for you to leave."_ Santana said from behind me. She put her hand on my hip when I nearly fell on my face and thankfully steadied me while I stood back to my feet.

_"Where's your manager?"_ He asked again, ignoring my obvious distress.

Santana rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest with fire in her eyes.

_"On the weekends, I am the manager, so I have every right to ask you to leave. You're causing a disturbance, you're harassing waitresses who are just trying to make concessions for your 'handicapable' girlfriend, just in case she needed to get to the fucking bathroom easily. You are out of line all because you're in the mood to be a total dick and now you've got to go. Ahora mismo! That means, right now, asshole!"_

* * *

I couldn't remember the last time that I had seen Santana so upset but I was absolutely sure that Kyle would be fuming as we walked hand in hand out of the restaurant with Santana hot on our heels but he wasn't, he was grinning.

Seriously?

We walked towards the car and I could only feel myself getting angrier and more frustrated with his smirk as we went until I finally just exploded.

_"Why are you fucking smiling? Do you realize what you just did?" _

_"I pissed off a girl that obviously still has feelings for you."_

_"Who?"_

_"Rachel."_

_"What?!" _We finally got to the car and he helped me inside before running around to his side. Still a gentleman but I didn't care about that. He hadn't even been sitting for a full five seconds before I launched right back into our conversation. _"Rachel just lost the love of her life, the last thing she is doing is mooning over me. Trust me. There is nothing between us but friendship."_

_"Isn't that how you felt about Santana until you slept together?"_

_"That's different." _

_"How so?"_

_"I don't know...it just is."_

_"It isn't any different."_

_"Look, she could be head over heels all she wants but that was no fucking reason for you to break her down like that."_

* * *

I was furious and then he made that puppy dog face and I felt my fists ball up. My back ached but that didn't stop me from wanting to attack him. My anger was out of control but who could blame me?

_"I'm sorry, okay. When I heard what Santana said about her wanting you to be closer to the bathroom, I felt bad. Please don't let this ruin us...okay?"_

And that's when he reminded me of Finn and for the first time since I had met him, I felt a feeling of disgust come over me. The same feeling that I had when Finn said something equally boneheaded and then expected the world to just forgive his stupidity.

With Finn, people just gave in but Kyle was not Finn. He was smart and conniving. He knew what he was doing and even when he saw her about to break, he didn't stop his stupid tirade and that was not acceptable.

_"You know what? I think that you were right all along. After the appointment, just take me to Rachel's and you can go spend the night with your family. We can just head back to New Haven in the morning."_

_"Fine."_

* * *

Halfway to the hospital, Kyle got a call from his uncle and my appointment was moved to the next afternoon.

I knew that Rachel was still at work but I was pretty sure that Santana would be home, so I just had Kyle drop me off. He kissed me and told me that he still loved me even though I was still being bitchy towards him.

What an idiot.

Something about the way that Rachel woke up an extreme jealousy in Kyle really surprised me and it was really getting to me.

* * *

_"Santana?"_ I said as I knocked on the loft door. The door slid open just a crack and she looked at me and then beyond me.

_"Is he with you?"_

_"No."_

_"Is he going to show up?"_

_"Maybe tomorrow."_

When the door finally slid open, I stood there in shock for a moment when I saw her standing there naked. She smirked at me and then locked the door.

_"Like what you see, Fabray?__"_

_"You already know the answer to that."_ I flirted back.

And just like that, she was throwing herself at me and I was walking us back towards the bathroom, since from what I could remember, it was the only bit of real privacy in the entire loft.

Kyle had just really pissed me off and so could anyone really blame me for immediately jumping at Santana?

* * *

_"Oh...remember that time that Britt insisted that she could do a handstand on the top of the pyramid and Sue actually made her do it?"_ I shrieked as we passed a bottle of really strong, cheap vodka between us.

Santana let out a huge laugh and then threw her head back as she cackled.

_"Oh God...yes! I spent a whole week nursing her sprained ankle and listening to her grumble about gnomes on the field tripping her up!"_

The door slid open and in walked Rachel and Kurt, in what seemed to be a bit of an argument.

At first, they didn't' really see me but then drunken Santana shrieked out.

_"Roomies! Look who's...who here!"_ She said as she pointed to me.

Rachel's eyes met mine and then I saw that she still looked like she was going to break apart. I watched her eyes glaze over with tears before she glanced at Kurt. He put his arm around her, attempting to lead her from the room but she pushed angrily at him.

_"No! She doesn't...first she didn't come to his funeral and now, she brings some phony into my freaking safe space and allows him to berate me in front of other customers. Don't protect her!"_

I was on my feet in an instant and walking towards her with my heart on my sleeve and my stomach in my throat. I hadn't meant to hurt her, heck, I wasn't even planning on seeing her while I was in New York but fate had a way of shaking out things just when you least expect it.

For six months I had avoided having to face that Finn was dead, I didn't want to believe it but now I was looking at the girl that he had left behind as she slid to the floor in front of me with her face in her hands, sobbing loudly as she wept for him.

I felt like a monster.

But at least now, I was feeling what she felt.

Finn was gone and I needed to realize what my relationship with Kyle represented.

My denial.

* * *

_"Leave her alone, Q!"_ San said as she stepped between me and Rachel. Her and Kurt surrounded a weeping Rachel but I knew that there was nothing that they could do to fix this. It was up to me to deal with what I had started.

_"Can you guys just go get us dinner or something...I need to talk to her. Please?" _I looked at San because I probably had a better chance at convincing her than I did with Kurt, and I was right.

It took a few moments for them to leave, partly because San was still in nothing but a robe but once they were gone, I didn't waste a second. I leaned over and put my hands on Rachel's upper arms, pulling her to her feet.

* * *

_"Come on, Rach, please talk to me? Let me explain."_

_"Why should I?" _

_"Because I suck at life and I really would like to talk to you about it. Please?"_

_"Fine but once you're done, I want you to leave." _

_"Leave?"_

_"It's what you're good at, what's the problem? Hmm? You befriend people and then you leave them, don't call or answer text messages. I emailed you, sent you a fifteen page PowerPoint on the strides we made to better our friendship and I got nothing back!"_

_"Rachel I-"_

_"No! Shut up! I just had my heart ripped out and I was working so...so hard-" _Her voice broke and I could see the strength that it took for her to be on her feet with her finger digging into my chest.

My back was aching but I stood there and let her tear me apart, anything to soothe whatever hurt I had caused.

_"Rachel, please?" _I stepped closer and tried to wrap my arms around her but she pushed me back. My back felt like it was going to break in two but I bit back the pain because the last thing she needed was guilt.

_"Why him, Quinn? Of all the guys you could be with, why him?" _Her beautiful voice was strained as she tucked her chin to her chest and held herself tightly.

_"I...it...I just can't imagine my life without him in it. Maybe being alone in New Haven has me wishing for a piece of home. You and Santana are one of a kind, nobody could fill that void for me and I thought that about all of you. I kept saying that I would see you on the next holiday but then Finn died, I couldn't put off seeing him because there was no him anymore. Then Kyle came along and it was like Finn was somewhere out there sending me a piece of himself."_

_"A piece...that neanderthal is nothing like my sweet, caring Finn Hudson." _

I wanted to scoff, to laugh in her face about being delusional about the person that she saw Finn as but when I saw the conviction in her eyes as she pressed her hands to her chest, just over her heart and saw the big tears that hung from her long eyelashes with such grace, I could do nothing more than something as boneheaded as our shared ex-boyfriend, Finn would do.

Even after dating Kyle and screwing Santana, I couldn't resist the urge that filled me in the next moment.

I reached forward and put my clammy hand on her cheeks, pulling her close and then I kissed her face.

She stood there, stiffly, as I pressed kisses to her forehead, her cheeks, her nose and then finally her lips.

_"No!"_

* * *

In all of that time, she had stood there rigid and allowed me to kiss her but the moment that I touched her lips, she shoved me back so hard that I couldn't help but cry out before I even reached the ground.

Pain erupted in my back, shooting down to my legs and then up towards my neck and once again, I remembered the pain of the car accident.

I remembered waking up on a gurney, covered in blood with my phone still clutched in my hand.

Hot, salty tears burned my flesh as I laid there staring up at the loft ceiling, wishing that I had never had the urge to touch her but not regretting a second of it.

* * *

**_A/N: I was going to be a deserter but I was guilted out of it. If I should end this, please just tell me so I don't make us all suffer...okay?_**

**_Besitos, _**

**_-A_**


	3. Honest Songs

_**A/N: I don't understand how after 12 stories, I still felt insecure when it comes to writing. You readers really do keep me going. So thank you all, for your support as I write lucky 13! :)**_

* * *

**Honest Songs (Noah Gundersen)**

* * *

When a person experiences too much pain, it's been said that the body goes into shock and/or eventually blacks out in order to block the severity of the pain.

That shock, was what happened after my car accident but it didn't last longer than a few seconds.

Apparently my pain tolerance is astronomically high, so much so that they thought it was just a fluke when I pushed out Beth with only a moderate amount of pain.

Even when I broke my back without so much of a tear they said that it was just shock,

But this time, as I remained there feeling the pain in my every nerve ending, I was actually crying like a baby. I was happy that I could still feel my toes but the pain was unbearable.

Maybe it was the emotions tied to being knocked to the ground by Rachel Berry that made this particular pain feel worse than giving birth and a car wreck simultaneously.

I was inconsolable.

* * *

_"Here, if you absolutely refuse to get up, then let me at least make you comfortable."_ Rachel said as she attempted to wedge a pillow under my head to no avail.

_"Ahhhhhh! Please...don't...don't touch me...please?"_ I cried out and she quickly pulled away, suddenly realizing just how bad the pain was.

_"Where does it hurt?"_ She whispered as she softly wiped away my tears.

I looked up into her big brown eyes and felt myself swimming in them finding that it soothed away some of the ache.

_"Every...everywhere."_ I let out a breath that seemed to be a little more labored than it should have been.

_"Oh God, I'm s-sorry, I just felt cornered. You went too far with trying to kiss me and so I panicked. What can I do?"_

_"Rach-"_

_"I don't think I could ever forgive myself if you ended up in a wheelchair again."_

_"Can you just...sing to me...please?" _

_"Okay." _

I closed my eyes and absorbed the sound of her voice, which started off shaky but once she got going it felt like I was floating. My sudden feelings towards Rachel were incredibly confusing to me, especially considering that I had just had sex with Santana and I did still have a boyfriend.

A boyfriend who I could potentially love, might I add.

Other than Santana and a few girls on campus, I hadn't ever looked at a girl the way that I was staring at Rachel as she used her voice to make me forget just how bad this pain was and that scared me beyond measure.

Kyle was convinced that Rachel was in love with me, he has always said snarky comments that hinted at that but today he was blatant and maybe he saw how I felt about her too?

The moment I tried to think of something other than Rachel, the pain would start to get heavy but then I would look at her and the peace would settle my aches.

It's just a shame that I couldn't stay like that with her forever.

* * *

_"Oh God! What happened? Did you kill her?"_ Kurt said as the door slid shut. I heard the clicking of his heels and then he was standing above but looking straight at Rachel, who just kept right on singing.

I felt a cool hand on my arm and looked up to see Santana looking every bit, the surgeon's daughter that she was.

_"Where's the pain the worst?"_ She whispered as she pushed my hair from my face. If fame didn't work out for Santana, her bedside manner would make her a shoe in as a doctor.

_"My back...it's like a 50."_

_"Out of 100?"_ She said with her eyebrows raised.

_"Out of 10."_ I whimpered.

_"I'm calling an ambulance."_ She said, standing abruptly and snapping her fingers at her roommates._ "Don't touch her, don't aggravate her and don't even think about moving her until they get here. Rachel keep singing, it's keeping her calm."_

_"What can I do?"_ Kurt said as he continued to hover above me. I could tell from the way that San looked at him that he was on her shit list at the moment because her scowl turned into a nasty smirk.

_"You get the pleasure of calling Quinn's boy toy, Kyle and telling him that we are headed to Wyckoff Heights, he may be too rich to know where it is, so be a doll and give him directions."_

_"Okay."_ Kurt said as he stood to his feet looking pale.

_"Oh and Kurt?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"Do or say whatever you have to...just make sure he gets there. Comprende?"_

_"Okay."_

With all of them shuffling around and Rachel singing her heart out, I finally knocked out which was definitely a Godsend because another moment would have surely had me in the loony bin.

* * *

The next time that I opened my eyes, I couldn't feel a thing and had I not been restrained to the bed and so heavily drugged, panic would have taken over me.

Was I paralyzed again?

Please God anything but that.

The room was hazy and my head felt like it was filled with a combination of sand and cotton.

Was this what it was like to be high? I'd have to remember to ask San.

_"Q?"_ I looked over to my left and there sat Finn staring at me with his same old big dopey grin and my heart stopped.

_"Finn?"_

_"Try not to talk, I'm not supposed to be in here."_

_"But you're really here?"_ I felt a tear on my face and he smirked as he nodded.

_"How do you feel?"_ He asked, ignoring my question.

_"Am I dead?"_

_"I love it when you get that wrinkle on your cheek when you worry. It almost looks like an extra dimple."_

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"You look like you're feeling better, do you feel better?"_

_"Finn? Why are you being so weird?"_

_"I love you, Q."_

_"Thanks? I love you too."_

_"Be good to yourself, promise me." _

_"I promise." _

_"I mean it you know."_

_"What?"_

_"I will always love you." _

_"I love you, always." _I whispered back as my eyes, suddenly full of lead, drifted closed.

* * *

The second time that I opened my eyes, it was to my best friend in the world praying for my health. Her dark hair draped around her face in cascading waves as her forehead wrinkled. I couldn't remember the last time that I saw her so intensely praying, so I didn't bother to interrupt.

Instead, I just chose to close my eyes and listen to her words.

_"Just please, Father, don't let this be permanent. Heal her Lord and help her to steer clear of douchebags like Kyle who still hasn't shown up!"_

A laugh reluctantly ripped through me and her head snapped up. She was blushing but I couldn't help but smile.

_"You know, you're not supposed to talk to God like that."_ I whispered.

_"He knows me and I'm pretty sure that He has heard how I talk so shut up and let me pray for you." _

_"Okay, okay...go ahead." _

_"See what I mean, God, how could anyone ignore that smile of hers. We need it down here for at least a century. If you allow her to heal, I'll do anything. Just...be good to her Lord, please? Amen."  
_

_"Are you finished?"_ I whispered.

_"Yea." _She said, quickly wiping a tear from her eye.

_"Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"_

_"Not really, no." _She said with a small, sad smile and that tragic look filled her eyes.

_"But you will?"_

_"Yea."_


	4. Broken Down Angel

**_A/N: Hey chicas...missed you...that is all. Happy reading!_ **

* * *

**Broken Down Angel (Nazareth)**

* * *

There was this fuzzy, popping noise in my head as I watched Santana gesticulating wildly with her hands and crying in front of me, like I had seen her do one too many times when she had a few too many drinks in her.

She was so distraught that I only caught tiny snippets of what she was saying.

_"Surgery...Paralyzed...Don't blame her...attempted suicide...psych ward...depression. Resentment. Kyle...Finn...Rachel...Pain...regret. I shouldn't have left...loves you...I'm sorry...forgive me...I love you."_

My heart was racing as I tried to connect the dots but with the mixture of her sobbing mumbles and the drugs that were keeping me just above a very murky surface, I couldn't quite make it all add up, I was confused...eventually my mind got tired of trying to make sense of it all and I blacked out.

Even with my eyes closed and blanketed in utter darkness, I could still hear her cries and I could still picture Rachel's failed attempt to join Finn in the after life, it made me ache.

She needed me and I had failed her.

I had been careless and now I was desperate to hold her in my arms and make it better.

I had pushed her past her limits and sent her tumbling back towards a depression that I should have anticipated but had never really given much thought to.

She was broken because of my stupidity, I wish I could say for the first time but I knew better.

This had to be rectified...the moment that I saw her again, I would make things right.

* * *

I woke up on my stomach, strapped down with the sound of shrill sirens surrounding me. I was moving but I was still, my stomach lurched and bile rose in my throat.

In my semi consciousness, I fought like hell to not let the burning liquid move past my lips but there was no use, I wasn't strong enough.

Tears filled my eyes as the vomit soaked my lips and poured from my nose, I let out harsh gags and began a cycle of coughing that didn't seem to end.

A hand touched my back and for a moment, I was transported back to when Rachel was singing to me, to when Kyle made love to me for the first time, up against a frat house hallway because the rooms were full...and then I was violently throwing up again. The smell alone was making me find new things to project from my esophagus.

_"Oh God...hey guys, stop chatting about who you boned last night, my friend is choking!"_ I heard San snap and suddenly, there was hustle and movement all around me.

Relief filled me when they managed to clean my face and clear the smell of vomit from the blanket beneath me.

_"Miss Fabray, I know that you are probably feeling overwhelmed and I apologize for that, we should be at our destination in about five more minutes. Your new room is already waiting for you and your parents just arrived."_

_"Who called her parents?"_ Santana snapped as fear settled deep inside of me.

_"I don't know, I am just relaying the message."_

_"Well do me a favor and don't relay any more messages Hermes, don't you see that she's stressed enough?!"_

_"St-stop."_ I whispered, wanting the ground to stop moving, San to stop freaking, and someone to send my parents far, far away but my voice was so weak that my meek cry had gone unheard or at least that's what I thought.

_"Santana, you need to relax, he's just doing his job. Jim, thank you for cleaning her up. You should know that Quinn gets really bad anxiety, especially when she feels vulnerable, like right now and so if you could kindly not say anything else that could exacerbate this situation, I'm sure she would really appreciate it."_

_"I'm sorry about that."_

_"Yea, well you should be."_ Santana snapped.

_"That's enough, San. He gets it."_

Just hearing Rachel calm everyone down, settled the anxiety that had been creeping through me. Her handling of the situation allowed me to finally close my eyes and peacefully drift off again.

Thank God for her.

* * *

If what had happened in the ambulance had been a minor battle, what I woke up to was an all out war.

I opened my eyes to see a room full of people going at each others throats, almost literally.

My father was in Santana's face like he was ready to fight her, my mother was sobbing and yelling back and forth with Rachel and Kyle...my sweet Kyle was holding his head and trying his best to not blow up as he talked to a finely dressed woman and a man in a white coat.

It was pure chaos and I was in the middle of it all.

Time had been moving and I was just laying there, surrounded by all the elements of my life that were chaotic, because that is what I had fostered.

For someone that craved peace like crack, I sure stirred a lot of shit up. That needed to change.

This was my fault and I could see it now, very clearly.

Santana loves me, I was only supposed to be her rebound but just from the look in her eyes, I could see that what we had meant more to her. She would fight to the death for me but that's because she doesn't understand how I feel about Rachel.

My parents have been shut off from me, I don't speak to them and they don't bother with me, there is a mutual disdain between us and I wouldn't have it any other way but here they were, fighting on my behalf just like Kyle, my Finn replacement that is here despite the truth.

He knows that this won't last, he knows that we aren't in love and yet he stays...I wish that I was the kind of person that didn't take advantage of his kindness but I am my father's daughter.

And then, there's Rachel, the girl that I figured out my feelings for just before all this mess started, she looked like she was just barely hanging on by a thread, out of everyone in this room, she deserves to be at peace the most and it seems that the lack of it, is causing her to fray at the edges.

It worries me beyond compare, if I ever get out of this bed...things are going to change.

* * *

I lay flat on my back and let out a heavy yawn as a tingling vibrated through my body. The room was quiet again and the sun was streaming into my room, I had lost time and I wasn't sure just how long but I was actually okay with that. I didn't feel nervous about it.

For the first time in a long time, I felt alert and refreshed, it was a good feeling.

Something in me just felt completely settled. I was happy, giddy even and that's when I recognized the soft song that was coming from somewhere to the left of me and I knew that it was that very sound that had me feeling lighter, like breathing was easier.

I didn't want to miss another second of it but I just wanted to see her face more than anything else.

_"Rachel?"_ I rasped out and almost immediately, she was hovering over me, looking gaunt and frailer than the last time I had seen her.

How much time had passed since the chaos?

What did I miss?

* * *

_"You're finally awake, I think that I've missed your eyes the most."_ She said as she allowed the tears to streak down her face.

I expected her show smile to crop up next, when she is upset that's what comes next because even Rachel Berry has problems showing some parts of herself.

No smile appeared, she was worrying her lip between her teeth instead and that's when a heaviness sat in my chest.

Something was wrong.

I just wanted to see her smile, even if it was a sad one.

Her eyes searched mine and I was mesmerized by it.

_"How long was I out?"_

_"It's hard to tell, you've been in and out of it for the last three months."_

I felt my eyes go wide and she just shrugged and continued to brush her thumb across my hand that stayed glued to the bedspread.

_"Three months?"_

_"It's hard to imagine, I know but you've been very sick."_

I raised my tingling hand and wrapped it around her skinny wrist and locked my eyes with hers.

_"So have you."_

She dropped her eyes and began to shake.

_"I know."_ She whispered before looking back at me with twice the amount tears and that's when a very sad show smile appeared on her face and I immediately regretted wanting to see it. She was broken down and if there was hint of it before, now it was painfully obvious. _"This past year has just been so...hard."_ She said before sucking her lips into her mouth before releasing a breath.

_"I'm sorry."_ I said, as guilt soaked through me. I had come breezing back into her life and had added my shit on top of her grieving.

Why was I so selfish?

_"Don't be sorry, you didn't ask for your back to give out on you. I'm responsible for most of this and I should be the one to formally apologize. I've really fucked up and I am so-"_

_"Stop..."_ I cut her off before she could finish._ "That's not necessary."  
_

_"You don't get it, Quinn...I've done something incredibly unforgivable and yet its your forgiveness that is paramount to my mental health." _

_"Rachel?" _She looked at me and tried to keep smiling through her heavy tears. She was about to break down completely and I just didn't understand why._ "What are you talking about?_" I asked as I read the distress on her face.

She shook my hand off of her wrist and then grabbed a hold of my wrist in her frail, damp hand. She was shaking uncontrollably but she continued to raise my hand until she had brought it to her stomach, there was a small hard bump where the flat expanse of her stomach should be.

Shock filled me.

_"I'm pregnant and I...I did it on purpose."_

_"What? Why?"_ My head was still a little foggy, my body was still waking up and here she was dropping a bomb on me but why would she feel the need to apologize to me about it?

_"It's Kyle's."_

My heart sank...I guess that's why.

* * *

_**A/N: This wasn't in the plan but then the song and my fingers met and this happened. You know me, there's no telling what happens next!** _


	5. Same Old, Same Old

**_A/N: I changed the song three times for this chapter...just so you know. Enjoy_****!**

* * *

**Same Old Same Old (The Civil Wars)**

* * *

My hand remained on her stomach long after she released my wrist, it had been a very long time since I had touched a baby bump...probably when it was my own...it terrified me then and it terrified me now.

Even still, I didn't want to pull my tingling hand away, she had given me the chance to touch her and I wasn't going to pass it up.

_"Does he know?"_ I asked, as I tried to see her eyes but she was currently staring straight at the ceiling and not moving as she cried.

She wasn't planning on answering me.

Of course, not everything could go her way anymore because the door to the room opened and in he walked.

For a brief second, I thought it was Finn but the clothes, were a dead giveaway that there was no way that this was Finn Hudson from Podunk, Ohio.

He had let his dark hair grow out and from the looks of it, had spent a lot of time tanning.

Everything about Kyle, as usual, screamed wealth, from his Louis Vuitton boat shoes to his cuffed pants and his polo shirt. He was dashing, as usual.

I had figured that if I was going to be with a guy, he had to reflect the projection of myself that I put out into the world.

Kyle fit that to a tee.

I was positive that he was out of my league and definitely out of Rachel's but somehow, he had given a part of himself to us both.

Even though he said to me that she wasn't his type, she was carrying his child.

I was angry.

* * *

It all happened in slow motion, his hand came down on her shoulder and my hand dropped to the bed almost simultaneously.

Somehow his presence made me feel like touching her was not okay.

She had never answered my question and so, because I didn't understand the dynamic between them, I didn't want to push her limits again.

Rachel jerked away from his touch and took a step back, allowing him to replace her position above me.

His eyes met mine and I could see that the last three months had brought about a change in him...one that I had always known was possible but that I hadn't been expecting.

It was like his humility was gone and that is never a good sign.

* * *

_"I'm glad that you're finally awake."_ He said as he picked up my hand and leaned in until his lips met my skin.

_"Hi."_ I said, trying to hold back the heat that sat in my body.

Just knowing that he had taken advantage of Rachel-since that is the only way I can see sex between them happening-made me want to kill him, resurrect him and kill him again, endlessly.

_"The doctors say that this last surgery was successful...and that after some extended physical therapy, you'll be able to walk on your own again, someday."_

_"And in the meantime?"_ I asked, despite my anger, I didn't really have a clear picture of what I was going to have to face once I was out of this place so I was playing nice for now.

He pointed across the room towards a motorized black and silver motor scooter that was way more high-tech than my old wheelchair.

It wasn't bad looking, with the exception of that hideous basket on the front, so even though it was the last thing that I wanted, I felt like I could deal with it.

For now.

I just kept telling myself that at least this wasn't something permanent and even though everything was annoyingly tingling, I did still have feeling in my legs which was a good sign.

* * *

I had been completely focused on the newest accessory in my life and so I was completely caught off guard by the bed slowly rising beneath me.

When I looked back at Kyle, I could see that he had the bed remote in his hand and was watching me closely as I was in a more inclined position.

_"Does sitting up like this hurt at all?"_ He asked, with concern, which was throwing me completely for a loop.

_"No." _

_"Good. Then I'm going to go let the doctors know that you're awake."_ He looked back at Rachel._ "Come with me?"_ There was such a familiarity in his tone, that did not sit right with me, so much so, that I almost didn't catch the way that she flinched when he finally addressed her presence in the room.

Almost.

She stood shakily from the chair and avoided my glance as she walked in front of him.

I wanted to run after her and wrap my arms around her.

She looked so lost and alone, it was taking everything in me to not react to that.

* * *

The doctors poked and prodded me, asked me a million questions and then attempted to gauge the amount of feeling that I had in my limbs, while I tried to wrap my mind around just want happened between Kyle and Rachel.

_"Any pain?"_ The doctor asked, I was tempted to tell him about the way that a vice was choking the life out of my heart or how my head was full of the girl I had fallen for servicing my Finn replacement.

I was hurting.

_"No. It just all tingles, it doesn't hurt it's just annoying. Then again, I haven't walked in three months. Do you think that we can we be done now?"_ I asked the little bald man who was jotting things down from the moment that he had walked in.

He looked up at me and then down at his clipboard before clearing his throat.

_"She's right, things seem to be progressing just as we expected, I'm sure that Ms. Fabray would like some time to deal with reverting to limited mobility._" I nodded along as he spoke to his colleagues before he looked back at me with a gentle smile and rested his hand on my arm. _"I'm going to give you some time but if you need me at any time, you feel numb or there is some degree of pain, I want you to page me. Understood?"_

_"Thank you."_

* * *

Once the doctors were gone, a woman came in with a tray of food and a big smile on her face._  
_

_"Hi Quinn!"_ She said excitedly, as if we had been friends forever.

_"Uh? Hi?"_

_"I have been your attending physician for the last three months and it's just so good to see you coherent. I'm glad the surgeons finally left...I'm sure you're hungry."_

_"I am, thanks." _I said as she set up the table in front of me before uncovering the food in front of me. I caught a whiff of bacon and my mouth watered._  
_

_"Santana is going to be really happy that she won the bet." _She muttered before picking up my chart and looking it over.

_"What bet?"_ I asked as I looked over the club sandwich in front of me.

_"She bet your boyfriend fifty bucks that, despite most patients finding it hard to imagine eating after waking up, you would be ravenous if I put bacon in front of you."_

_"Yea?" _I mumbled past the mouthful of bacon that I managed to accumulate despite the tingling in my hands and arms.

She smirked and nodded before hitting a button on a machine. The feeling of a coolness going into my arm happened almost immediately and for the first time since I was awake, the tingling stopped.

_"That better?" _She asked as she watched relief take over my face.

_"Yes."_

_"Your chart said that you felt a tingling sensation, your pain receptors are still trying to wake up and because of the nerve damage that exists, what should be a moderate amount of pain is creating that tingling feeling. It's a good thing that you can feel it but it can't be very comfortable."_

_"You're right, it isn't."_

_"I'm just going to observe you for a bit before I let your visitors in, is that alright?"_

I nodded and continued to eat. She sat in the chair next to my bed and just watched me, occasionally jotting things down.

After I finally finished my sandwich, I sat back and a pain shot right up my spine.

_"Fuck." _I groaned out, she was on her feet at once.

_"Is it your position?" _She asked as she readjusted the pillow behind me and then hit the button on the bed.

The pain eased and I closed my eyes before sucking in a huge breath. God, how I hated this.

* * *

Hours passed and I got a stream of visitors, my parents, Kyle again and for an extended time Santana, who caught me up on all the gossip in her own life but the one person that I wanted to see had disappeared.

I asked everyone about Rachel, where she had gone and if she was okay but nobody knew.

Well, that's what they said but from the look on Kyle's face, I knew that he was lying to me.

I felt so fucking helpless, I just needed to talk to her, to see her...to touch her.

As I lay there, darkness of the night encompassing my room, I knew that baby or no baby...Rachel would not go through what I went through.

This pregnancy was going to be filled with peace and love from here on out.

I knew that I had no future with Kyle, as crazy as it sounds, even though I don't know where she stands...I am going to do everything I can to be a part of Rachel's life...in whatever way that she'll have me and nothing was going to stand in my way of that.

* * *

**_A/N: This was mostly a filler chapter, you can still review it though...I am mulling over how much drama to hit you with in the next chapter._ **


	6. It Takes Two

**_A/N: Had to jump right back into this or delete it, couldn't hold back. No apologies._**

* * *

**It Takes Two (Katy Perry)**

* * *

Just before visiting hours ended and after everyone had gone home, the door to my room cracked open one last time. Which, to be honest, really surprised me. It was late, so late that I had already been tucked under the covers by Santana before she left and the nurse had turned off all but my overhead lights before wishing me a good night.

Needless to say, I wasn't expecting anyone else to visit and so I had finally allowed my thoughts to run wild while watching a dvd of the Golden Girls.

Laying there, snug under those blankets took me back to a time when I would hope to get sick just so that I could do this very thing at my Nana's house. She had loved watching this show because finally there was something on tv that she could relate to and so when I was feeling sick or low, this usually cheered me right up, which is why San had brought me a whole season and despite my condition, it was actually helping.

I was in the middle of agreeing with some raunchy thing that Blanche had said when I sensed her presence beside me.

At first, I wanted to act like she wasn't there but it only took a second for me to give in and meet her eyes.

Rachel sat down in the chair beside me with her hands gripping her clutch like it was an anchor.

She was attempting to quietly watch the show with me but Rachel doesn't really do anything quietly. Even though her eyes were on the television, she kept sighing heavily and then shooting looks at me. I turned down the sound and looked at her but she still wouldn't look my way even though it seemed that she was waiting for me to speak to her.

I had no idea what to say to her so I just went with my gut, even with people in and out of my room, my mind never strayed from thoughts of Rachel and Kyle screwing each other.

How had it happened?

Had he approached her?

Did he hurt her?

God, I would kill him if he did.

I had to know and so I just decided that I would find out now before my thoughts or her noises made me crazy.

* * *

_"I'm sorry, Rachel..."_ I said, pushing some of the blanket away so that I could reach my hand out as far as possible. My fingers folded over the edge of the bed and I was just able to poke her arm, I felt pride in my ability to do so when my finger met her ice cold skin. She finally turned her hollow looking eyes towards my hand and then looked up at me with big vulnerable brown eyes. Had she not heard? _"I'm sorr-"_

_"Why?" _She said, abruptly cutting me off._ "What is there to be sorry about?"  
_

_"I'm sorry that he hurt you."_

The expressions on Rachel's face have always been the key to reading her and so when her lips tipped up a little bit and her eyes got even bigger, I knew that she was going to cry. She quickly and methodically wiped at her eyes and then her smile dropped.

_"Who Kyle?" _She let out a bitter laugh and my heart dropped. It was worse than I thought._ "He didn't hurt me, Quinn. In fact, it was just the opposite, Kyle has been nothing but a perfect gentleman. It's me who has been a complete bitch to him."_

I was completely confused, I had seen her flinch when he touched her but maybe that's just how I perceived it.

_"I don't understand."_

_"Of course you don't."_ There was an edge to her voice now and with her looking at me like I was a child who she pitied for not understanding, I felt my anger surge for the first time all day.

_"Help me understand then." _I snapped at her and she seemed to take that as a gift because she smiled, happy that I was finally upset about this whole situation._  
_

The Rachel that sat before me was starkly different from the girl who followed me around like a puppy in high school. Bitterness seeped from her pores and it was breaking my heart.

She was not the same Rachel Berry and she resented me seeing her like she was.

I didn't know this person and from what I could see, she knew that better than anyone, it was like she wanted to prove to me that she wasn't good enough for my apology.

* * *

_"You know, when Finn died, I was sure that I would never be with another man for the rest of my life. I thought maybe it was just not meant for me to have that kind of fairytale. I was groomed to be a star from birth and well, I didn't think that I could have it all until he decided to be with me. When things ended and then he...died, I knew that I had been right from the beginning."_

_"I don't think that's true, you can still have it all."_ I whispered, trying my best to encourage her but she just continued, as if I hadn't spoken at all.

_"You know, I'm excelling at school and just before I found out that I was pregnant, I got cast for the revamp of Funny Girl on Broadway as Fanny Brice."_ She paused and waited for me to congratulate her but I simply nodded because I wasn't getting cut off again. My lackluster reaction caused the last bit of light to leave her eyes and I watched regretfully as her shoulders slumped a bit._ "I never thought that I would get pregnant even though in my despair, it was all that I desired. How stupid was I...Am I?"_

_"You're not stu-" _

_"I have been on birth control since just before Finn...and I...well...engaged in sexual congress, then there was Brody who just was spontaneous and adventurous...especially then, I just took my pills faithfully without thinking about pregnancy. Your pregnancy had scared me enough and I refused to have to go through that kind of thing while I was still young...but then, you showed up with Kyle, Finn's doppelgänger was right there in front of me and my resolve broke, I broke." _She was looking at me but her eyes weren't seeing me. She was just telling me all the jumbled up things in her mind, in a vain attempt at swaying me from loving her but I saw through it_. _Her voice cracked and I hated myself more than ever._ "And then because of me you ended up with a broken back...again, I lost it."_

_"How?" _

_"I don't know, I just did!"_

_"But how? Make me understand why I should hate you, why I should want you out of my life because so far you are doing a really crappy job."_

Her self-loathing was making me itch in irritation but I denied myself the pleasure of scratching. No...she suffered all these months so I would suffer through this with her_, _if she wanted to process then we would process the heck out of this situation until we were on the same page. It's not like either of us had anywhere to be.

I loved her for some God forsaken reason and I had to go with that. High school was over, there was not a pyramid to climb or any schemes to carry out, it was just two broken young women trying to figure shit out. Rachel's love for me was always open and obvious but I had just taken it for granted, just like Finn did but I couldn't do that anymore.

* * *

_"I hurt you, Quinn. I lashed out and ended up putting you in here and I felt like complete shit about it."_

_"So you just decided to sleep with my boyfriend to make yourself feel better?"_ I asked, keeping as much edge out of my voice as possible.

_"Yes." _She said, her eyes clearing as she looked at me with conviction._  
_

_"How'd that work out for you, Rachel?" _I was officially annoyed but I was seeing this through.

_"I'm pregnant and alone." _She squeaked as she fought fresh tears.

_"Been there, done that...survived." _I snarked and she just rolled her eyes. She looked back at me with fresh tears and let them fall without any inclination to have shame. That ship had sailed._"You haven't told anyone, have you? Nobody mentioned it to me at least."_

_"Oh no, Santana knows everything."  
_

Suddenly, I was remembering just how delicate Santana had been with me all day long and how she tried to get me not to listen to my parents when they blamed Rachel. She stood up for her, even when she made small barbs about her stature. Santana loved us both and was trying to walk the fine line between us and because of this thing that happened, she was stuck in the middle of a shit storm and that was NOT cool with me.

I may not have a future with Santana beyond best friends but that doesn't change the fact that I love her and knowing that she's hurting because of this was not something that I wanted to deal with for much longer.

_"She even knows about the baby being Kyle's?"_

_"I told her the day that I found out that I was pregnant but that's because she walked in on me on top of him while he was passed out and I knew it wouldn't be long before she put it all together."_

I froze.

_"Wait, what do you mean you were on top of him when he was passed out?"_

_"We were drunk."_

_"Does he even remember sleeping with you? Did you take advantage of him?"_

She shrugged and dropped her head. This was so much worse than them just screwing each other this was...rape?

* * *

She saw the look in my eye and covered her face with her hands. We sat quietly for a while, me looking at the silent television trying my best to understand just how far off the deep end Rachel had gone. Her sobs were quiet and even though I was in shock and beyond enraged, I felt each sob painfully cut through my being.

After a few minutes, her cries lessened and I felt like I could look at her again without judgment.

_"Rachel?"_ I called and she looked at me with that sad show smile._ "Tell me what happened, it can't be worse than what I'm thinking."_ I was begging for clarification and she looked relived that I had asked for it. She wanted me to stop being in love with her but she couldn't bear for me to hate her.

_"For the record, he was alert and awake when we started and when we finished, he consented...its just that he passed out right after his orgasm and I hadn't climaxed yet, he was still hard so I tried to get myself off."_

_"That's sick."_ I said, swallowing back the nausea that was suddenly plaguing me.

_"I guess I'm just a depraved sicko."_ She said with a harsh laugh, dropping her head, choosing to just stare down at our hands which sat side by side on the bed. I could tell that she wanted to touch me but after I basically called her a pervert, she seemed hesitant.

Honestly, I didn't blame her.

* * *

I knew that I was losing control of this conversation, she was succeeding at making me think twice about loving her but a small part of me, the part that sounded a lot like Santana begging me to not judge too harshly. (Brittany really softened her and by association, me).

Rachel wasn't going to win, I knew she wasn't a predator, I was sure of it...I just needed her to believe it.

So I took charge, I moved my fingers over the last bit of space and grabbed a hold of her hand, as tight as my hand could manage without that tingling pain.

_"We've both done things that we aren't proud of Rachel. I'm probably the queen of fuck-ups, so please, don't think this changes how I feel about you."_

She ripped her hand away and stood to her feet for dramatic effect.

_"How could you not hate me? I basically raped your boyfriend so that I could have a kid that resembles Finn! How does that not make me less than who I was before? How does that not make me a sick pervert? I even disgust myself, I'm ashamed of what I did so please understand that I can't just...accept your love after all that I did to you!"_

_"Rachel look-"_ I began to say but then her screeching began and I could do nothing but watch it unfold, sometimes you can't do anything to avoid the tumultuous storm ahead, sometimes things just get to a point where you have to get your bearings and wade it out.

_"No! I put you in that bed, Quinn. I nearly killed you! Fuck, I did kill you! You died, did they tell you that? For three whole minutes they couldn't get you to take a breath, they couldn't shock you back to life and just when they were about to call it, Santana begged them, on her knees with tears in her eyes to try one more time."_

_"And I lived."_ I finished for her, shocked that all of this had happened to me without me not knowing the wiser.

She nodded, pointing at me with one hand, holding herself with the other.

_"That's right you freaking lived! Every time that I mess up and nearly get you killed, you fight and you survive. You are stronger than anyone that I know, Quinn because even when you get hurt, trampled on and knocked down, you still manage to survive. I'm not like you, when I found out that I was pregnant after trying to get pregnant on purpose, I didn't fight, instead I did this."_

She held out her bony left arm to reveal two long slashes that ran from her wrist to the pit of elbow.

_"Rachel-"_

_"I'm a quitter, Quinn, I'm a failure and the only person that I was better than, that saw me above himself is dead! Then you, the person that is better than me but still loves me regardless, I almost killed...twice! I don't deserve your love. So please just stop fucking trying!"_

I sat there shell-shocked as she unleashed all of that pent up frustration that had been filling up her soul for the last three months.

Her chest was heaving as she sucked in deep breaths through her nose and looked at me, her big brown eyes wild and desperate as she waited for me eviscerate her, like I would have done in high school but instead, I wanted nothing more than to lunge forward and wrap her in my arms but that wasn't something that I was able to do and it slayed every hopeful part of me.

* * *

I'm sure of what she expected from me and I'm sure of what I would have done in the past but I was tired of letting my past dictate my future.

Finn had always lived in the moment with everything except for when it came to Rachel, he was putting her off until he was ready and in the end, there was still so much left unsaid between them. Even though it wasn't intentional, he had left her in the worst way.

I didn't want that same regret hanging over my soul.

_"Lay with me."_ I whispered and even though it was nothing more than a whisper, she still heard me.

_"Why?"_ She whispered back as she remained standing there, staring at me like I had lost my mind. I knew from experience that logic would work on her but I decided to go old school Fabray and pull the guilt card.

_"Because, despite whatever you have done with Kyle and more important, to yourself, I want nothing more than to fall asleep with you curled up next to me. I need you here with me, helping me through this just like you always have. I need you Rachel, beyond everything and everyone, I NEED you. So please, lay with me?"_ I said with a slight whimper, because who could resist a simpering, crippled girl? (Well, other than Santana)

* * *

I watched her resolve break down and for some reason felt the need to turn away. She was fighting herself and I felt like she needed a last little moment to get herself together before she gave in.

I turned up the television a bit and refocused my attention on the newest episode that had started, hoping to show her that I wasn't doing this out of pity for her or what happened.

It took almost an entire half hour episode before I felt a dip in the mattress but I didn't look at her, afraid that I would scare her away.

Just as the ending credits began rolling, I felt the warmth of her breath on my shoulder, her arm looping over me and I was pretty sure that the tingling in my legs was coming from her touching me there.

Sadness filled me at not being able to feel her skin against mine completely but I wouldn't let it show.

We were both broken, both seeking some kind of anchor in this fucked up world and in that moment, I was hoping that we had found what we were looking for.

* * *

_**A/N: I don't know where I've been but this came from that hiatus and so here you go.** _

_**What did you think?**_


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